Saturday 16 November 2013

Sexual Purity: Part 3 - Redefining Pornography

If you haven't already checked out the Intro, Part 1 or Part 2, please do before reading on!

     Hi, thanks for coming back! This blog series is mostly written for Christians who love God and want to live lives of extravagant worship with a Saviour who gave everything so that we could live free from sin and alive to God but are currently tangled in cycles of compromise with pornography and masturbation. This post is not designed to judge or condemn anyone or to be legalistic and constricting so please know that as you read through but I'll be straight with you, this is going to sound pretty extreme and I'm totally aware of that! I want to share about a journey that I've been on myself that has brought me a lot of peace while helping you to think about your own daily habits. I do not have all the answers! Haha! Sometimes I think we choose to live at a lower standard than what the Bible and the Holy Spirit's conviction tells us simply because we think we're doing a bit better than the world or others. I'm convinced that the standard of life God has called us to looks radically different from where we've gotten so far so if you're keen to keep moving forward, please read on! I hope this post will challenge you and remind you of the standard set by Jesus, not by me. 

     Personally I don't think enough of us struggle with lust. Many of us have just given up the struggle and made room for it in our lives keeping it as a pet we think is well-trained. During the time I was trapped in the cycle of internet pornography** I could be found watching 18+ movies on TV like American Pie and raunchy (couldn't think of a less old-fashioned word...) RnB music videos while wondering why I just couldn't seem to get free from porn. I was filling my ears with catchy songs about sex while feasting on a diet of dodgey adverts and still wondering why I couldn't get free from porn. Part of the problem was, I had such a low aim and a narrow view of pornography! When I took the 40days with God away from porn, I told Him I that not only would I not look at internet pornography, I also wouldn't look at anything sexually arousing on TV either (not nearly as difficult as these days). I believe this is part of what brought breakthrough in my life at the time and so I've come to the conclusion that porn isn't just pictures and videos of naked people on the internet. So what is porn? Let's ask the smart books.

Definitions
     Let's check out some dictionary definitions: Oxford Dictionary defines it as: "Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate sexual excitement." Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as: "movies, pictures, magazines, etc., that show or describe naked people or sex in a very open and direct way in order to cause sexual excitement." and lastly Collins Dictionary defines it as: "writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement." They're all pretty much the same right? A summary definition of pornography would basically be: "Stuff that is designed to turn you on."

Sex Sells 

     We all know that the advertising and marketing industry depends heavily on sex appeal in order to sell products and society is becoming more and more ok with that. Music videos, television commercials, magazines and movies showcase the naked or near-naked bodies of men and women pretty blatantly to the point where most of us no longer even notice. It would be funny if it wasn't so depressing. You can watch an advert about tooth-decay today and still see a naked woman! The advertising and marketing industry is taking something given to us by God* (our sex drive, see Genesis 1:28) and abusing it in order to sell us things that we don't need while reducing our value for true sexual intimacy and even for each other. We're told that being "sexy" and promiscuous is the same as being powerful. That's nonsense. The Evolution of the Swimsuit video by Jessica Rey addresses that topic way better than I could with the space I have in this post.




     Have you noticed how most of the major sitcoms and drama series on TV have sexual activity either implied or graphically described in pretty much every episode? Let's take the classic show "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" for example. Calm down! I know you probably love it and watched it for like 10 years just like me but let's think about it. Over the years they all pretty much managed to turn sleeping around into a sport and at times you found yourself cheering on the characters who were trying to pin down a mate! We get so sucked in that we actually do a 360 on our morals! If you told your Christian mates that you don't watch Friends because it's too sexual they'd look at you like you're crazy right?! You might say "But come on man, it's just a TV show." Ok, ok let me carry on. I've never seen the apparently chart-topping "Game of Thrones" that came from a book series that some would probably call a literary masterpiece but I've commonly heard it described as "Lord of the Rings...but with boobs" and I'm told there are pretty graphic sex scenes throughout the show. I actually first heard about the show from Christians and was just plain confused about why they were watching it. You might say "But come on bro, it's really good quality TV, it's not all bad..." Ok, ok just stick with me.


     There was a pretty wide-spread outcry in the Church and the world when "50 Shades of Grey" hit the bookshelves with a lot of people calling it "Porn for Women" as people say that women tend to be more turned on by mental fantasy than visual images and so books like 50 Shades and others like it are said to do for woman what porn magazines do for men. I'm not making a comment on that right now, I'm just identifying another medium where sexual arousal is being fed into society as a commodity that can be bought and sold. There are plenty of other books and book series that have sexual themes running through them that aren't as in-your-face as 50 Shades of Grey "So those ones are ok, right bro?" Keep reading friend :-) From video games to board games, from trashy novels to comic books, sex is being fired at us pretty much wherever we look for entertainment. What is really scary is how normal it all is now. Think about it. How many songs do you hear on the radio today that don't have lyrics that include some variation of "I want you" or "Let's go back to your/my place"?


Heart Porn
     So what's my point? Before I tell you, let's have a look at something Jesus said in Matthew 5:8: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." The implication is that the impure in heart, won't. Ask yourself these questions: Does your desire to watch what you watch, read what you read and listen to whatever you listen to come from a pure heart i.e. the heart of God in you? Do you seek out and enjoy things that you know are considered risqué or naughty? Do you have to find "redeeming features" in the things you enjoy to justify enjoying them to yourself and others? Do you struggle with lust? Are you currently forming clever excuses in your head about everything you've read so far? Your answers to these questions may be uncomfortable for you but I pray that you will have the courage not to tune out but to stand honestly before Jesus to let Him run those blazing eyes over your heart and tell you what He sees. He loves you y'know. 

     I've been reading through the Sermon on the Mount with some friends lately and over and over Jesus emphasises that sin is not all about outward actions but also the intentions of the heart. It's not determined by external circumstances but internal realities. In Matthew 5:28 Jesus drops another bomb and tells us that the sin of lust begins in the intentions of the heart and the direction of the eyes. Even though Jesus talks about a dude, ladies this is for you too. On the basis of this attitude to sin I believe that Pornography is not only stuff designed to turn you on but also any form of entertainment we indulge in with the intent to be sexually aroused. This isn't me laying down a law or anything, I'm just making a really plain statement to  help us all - including myself - to submit our motives to the Holy Spirit. Sin isn't something that can be forced on you, it's something that you choose and so just because society doesn't call something pornography, doesn't mean that to you, it isn't. I guess I'm saying that a lot of us probably watch porn everyday. I'm saying that for one person a comic book is a fun and colourful storybook but for another person, due to the busty blondes or spandex-clad dudes, it's porn. I'm saying that sitting round a TV talking about how sexy an actor is probably isn't doing you good. I'm saying that we're not called to take part in the deeds of darkness, we're supposed to expose them (Ephesians 5:11). 

Why Does This Matter?
     For those of us struggling with addictions to pornography, internet or otherwise I believe there is power in setting our boundaries away from the cliffs so that if we accidentally fall over one we can still retreat and it's not game over. Anything else is like battling an enemy in the day and then sitting down with them for tea in your house in the evening. You're making things much harder for yourself. It's really simple, if you don't want to think about BIG BLUE ELEPHANTS, don't look at little blue elephants. Set a standard in your life like Job and keep to it even if your friends don't understand it (Job 31:1). 


     For those of us indulging in what I'd call socially acceptable pornography, let's take some time to be really honest with ourselves. Some stuff is just blatantly not good for you, no matter how funny, catchy or artistic it is. You might think that it doesn't affect you but it's a classic, give the devil and inch and he'll take a mile. You know the devil will always offer you less than what indulging him will cost you. Feeding your heart on sexually explicit or even implicit things will not help you to walk in purity and according to Matthew 5:8 it will damage your ability to experience God. It will rob you of a high value for sexuality and sexual intimacy that God describes as being beautiful. Jose Palos delivers a hard-hitting poem that touches a little on this with regards to music, questioning why we willingly submit ourselves to this sort of thing. I'm being very direct about this and I make no apologies for that but it's not because I want to be a prude or a killjoy but because our society is being consumed by this thing and we can't get absorbed along with it. This isn't about boycotts, do's and don'ts or being religious, it's about being smart and jealously guarding something God has given each of us. Sexual Purity in body and mind is something to be fought for and protected and that will be the topic of the next post. 

Thank you for reading! I know this was a long one but you made it through and I appreciate that! Go you! :-)

Jesus help us to listen to Your Holy Spirit. Help us to renew our minds and not be conformed to the ways of this world but be transformed into Your likeness. We want to honour You with our eyes and ears and we want You to be the source of our joy. Help us Lord.
Amen


End Notes
*I believe that our sex drive is designed by God to 
  1. Add value to our virginity making it a worthy wedding present for our spouse because we've had to fight to protect it
  2. Bring us joy and increase intimacy within the marriage covenant through the joining of bodies and souls
  3. Make bringing life into the world an enjoyable experience that acquaints us with the heart of God the Creator
**If you haven't read my testimony you can find it here.

Wednesday 13 November 2013

Sexual Purity: Part 2 - "Dear Pornography, you're dead to me. Sincerely, Not Yours."

Hi guys, this is Part 2. Check out the Intro and Part 1 before reading on!

It's often a lot easier to win battles when the war has already been won. Today let's have a look at Romans 6:5-14. I'm going to throw some emphasis in there.


5For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,a that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. 14For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

He's helping you to see yourself in a new way...
If you're a Christian today and you've trusted Jesus to save you from your sin, congratulations! You're dead. But alive. But dead. Confused? Paul says we're dead to sin but alive to God. Being alive to God means we have something we're living for and it's Him. I'm convinced that one of the keys to living a life free from the trap of pornography is grasping this great bit of scripture. Jesus never sinned. Sin never had mastery of Him. Jesus was so submitted to the will of His Father and so overcome by love for people that He didn't have space for sin in His heart. Paul is saying the opposite to what I often hear from people who struggle with any type of sin but particularly this one. In verse 11 he basically says "Ok this is how I want you to think. Imagine how dead Jesus was to sin. Ok. Have you got it in your mind? Great! That's how dead to sin you are and no less." So why don't we think like that?

Often we refer to ourselves as "Sinners saved by grace." Personally I have a problem with this term or at least the way it's often used. I think sometimes when we say this we're actually giving ourselves an excuse for sinning. It puts us down as "sinners" instead of Saints. I can't remember who said it but I know someone has said "If you believe you're a sinner then you'll sin by faith." Please wait and calm down! I'm not saying I or anyone else doesn't sin but I'm pointing out what I believe is an important point even though it may just seem like it's all about words. Whenever Paul writes to the believers in the New Testament, he seems to refer to them as the saints or the "holy ones" and I think this is something to pay attention to and copy. Paul doesn't address the believers as the sinners they were but the saints they had become so that that would form the basis of their new identity. Now it would be strange for them if they sinned because they weren't slaves to sin. Another unknown source simply says that it's normal to sin if you're not a Christian because you're a slave to sin but if you sin as a Christian, you're just stupid! Haha!

Now that we know God and His salvation, we can make far more informed choices when presented with temptation. As I mentioned in my testimony the choice to look at pornography again after knowing the new depth of closeness and intimacy with God just seemed foolish to me and I'd have been stupid to lack myself in a prison I just got released from! I believe this is so important to catch! It's all about Romans 12:2 and getting our way of thinking renewed. We wouldn't have to renew our minds if we didn't have wrong ways of thinking already established. I think one of the reasons we fail to grab a hold of Romans 6 is because it doesn't always line up with our experience. "But dude I don't feel dead to sin, I feel REALLY alive to it! It's on my mind all the time." Guess what? His truth trumps your experience! If you and God disagree, someone is wrong...it's not Him. Sometimes reading what the Bible doesn't say can be almost as helpful as reading what it does say. Verse 11 does not say count yourselves dead to temptation, it says count yourselves dead to sin! Think about that! Temptation is not sin. Dead things don't respond. At all. Being dead to sin as about not responding to the call of temptation.

The phrase "Sinners saved by grace" can also get us to a place where we abuse the grace of God and assume that He is ok with us sinning because Jesus' blood has covered it. WRONG!!! Yes Jesus' death totally obliterated our sin but His resurrection also empowered us to resist the devil. Ever heard that verse? Resist the devil and he will flee from you? Me too. Except it's incomplete.

James 4:7 says: "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."

Get alone with God and stare into His eyes!
We can resist the devil not just because we died to sin with Christ but because we were raised to a life with God in Him as well! We have a new appetite for God and the more we feed on Him the more our appetite for sin dries up and dies! Think about it! You LOVE it when God speaks to you or you feel His presence. You LOVE it when God uses you to minister to or love someone. That feels good and right and natural to you doesn't it? You LOVE it because you're alive to God! Right now try not to think about Superman...oops! There he is flying through your mind in his red and blue! The way our mind works means that sitting around thinking about not watching porn isn't going to bring us victory. Worshipping and adoring God and meditating on the near-hilarious victory Jesus won over sin and death will make porn boring. SERIOUSLY!! Make a playlist of your favourite worship songs and take time in the day to just aim them straight at His heart and belt them out!

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you and He will reveal the truth of Jesus' victory to your heart as you praise God and read His Word. Sometimes God delivers someone of an addiction in a moment and that is a beautiful miracle that I want to see more often. However, often we get free from addiction as gradually as we got hooked in. Day by day we devote our mind to the Lord and He renews it. Mike Bickle gives a fantastic talk on how to fellowship with the Holy Spirit and how He changes us from the inside out. It's also good to have other people to remind you of who you are because sometimes we forget and fall for the tricks. I have a few friends who text me when they're struggling with lust and battle it with what the Word says about them! This is powerful! You should get a friend who knows God, knows you and knows the Word and partner up with them!

Instead of "Sinners saved by grace" I think we should call ourselves "Saints Made Holy by the Blood of Jesus and the Power of God." It's not about forgetting where He's brought us from but rejoicing in what He has brought us into! I believe this focus and understanding of what Jesus has done will really help you in your battle. Remember, He has already won the ultimate victory for you. The battle is the Lord's and He will protect you as you fight on. 

Thanks so much for reading. Let me know your thoughts. Part 3 coming soon!

Saturday 2 November 2013

Sexual Purity: Part 1 - The Awkward Moment When Watching Porn Doesn't Make You a Man

Welcome to Part 1 of the Series. Please have a read of the Intro before you go any further!

     The first author I want to share with you goes by the name John Eldredge. He wrote a book called Wild at Heart which describes the way a man carries the wounds of his heart and how he responds to the world. John talks about how a man's heart is made to live passionately but a combination of wounds and disappointments he picks up during childhood, his own sin and the structure of society can rob him of that passion.* What's that got to do with pornography you ask? Well let's hear a little from Mr Eldredge:

     "If a man does not find those things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other way. Why is pornography the number one snare for men? He longs for the beauty, but without his fierce and passionate heart he cannot find her or win her or keep her. Though he is powerfully drawn to the woman, he does not know how to fight for her or even that he IS to fight for her. Rather, he finds her mostly a mystery that he knows he cannot solve and so at a soul level he keeps his distance. And privately, secretly, he turns to the imitation. What makes pornography so addictive is that more than anything else in a lost man's life, it makes him FEEL like a man without ever requiring a thing of him. The less a guy feels like a real man in the presence of a real woman, the more vulnerable he is to porn." - Wild at Heart

     Sorry lads but I'm gonna have to rat us out to the ladies reading now.  Most boys (not all) continually feel like their masculinity is under question, so because they're not convinced that they're a "real man", they feel like they have to do things to prove it to themselves and to others. They may not be thinking in their brain "Stand back everyone! I must prove to all that I'm a MAN!" But if you could ask a man's heart directly why he does what he does, you'd probably make some interesting discoveries. Sir Eldredge (yes I've knighted him, read the book and you'll see why) says that there is a question that haunts every man's soul. It's right on the surface and clear for some but deep down, buried and hidden to others. That question is simply any variation of "Have I got what it takes?". It's a question of strength, ability, skill and effectiveness. Any situation that might give a negative answer they will automatically shy away from it and give excuses e.g. "Oh that's for girls, I don't like playing football, I just think it's boring."

     John is basically saying that pornography is a coward's route to sexual intimacy. The woman on the screen is under his control. He doesn't have to commit to her, he doesn't have to romance her, he doesn't have to respect her, he doesn't have to be vulnerable with her, he doesn't have to listen to her, he doesn't have to cater to her needs, he doesn't even have to talk to her! He can just use her to satisfy himself and be done with her. His strength and masculinity will never be called into question. She will never reject him. In fact the woman on the screen will probably tell him how great he is and how happy he makes her. 

     Let me take a moment to address some questions to the gents reading this. Have a look at your life. Are you drawing a sense of accomplishment from pornography? Do you brag about it to your friends? Does it make you feel like a man? Does it make you feel powerful? Let's go a little deeper. Maybe you don't actually have an issue with pornography, that's great! But are you using your relationships with women to make you feel like a man? Do you try and see how many girls you can get to like you at once? Have you ever broken up with a girl first because you thought she would dump you? Do you feel intimidated, threatened or invalidated around confident and independent women? 

     If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a boy who hasn't had his question answered and is taking it around as a little survey to God's daughters. You may be a dude who doesn't know what it's like to live passionately from your heart so you pretend not to care about anything because it's easier. You may appear confident on the outside but are actually a guy who is inwardly, desperately needing to be validated. God the Father wants to answer that question for you and seal up the holes in your heart with His love. If that last sentence made you squirm, I'm talking to you sir! I recommend you buy John's book. If you're a young man and can't afford it but really want it, contact me and I'll gladly get a hold of it for you.

More on that next time.
Thank you for reading!

End Notes
*Many of John's points are applicable to men and women but the book is written for men in general.