Insecurity: Nature's Cover-All

Fear is one of the greatest enemies of deep, meaningful and developing relationships between human beings and it manifests itself in a number of ways. When we're afraid in dangerous situations, we instinctively do things to protect ourselves and the parts of us that will feel the most pain. We either become defensive or we lash out! It's the same in our relationships with each other. When fear comes between us as people, our instinct is to guard against pain or inflict it first. In this post I'd like to talk a bit about one of the ways fear can operate in us and outwork itself in our behaviour and relationships. As you've probably guessed from the title, I'm talking about Insecurity.

What is it and what does it look like?
By insecurity I mean being constantly moved and shaken by the opinions of others* towards you, your thoughts and attitudes or your way of life. Insecurity is an issue of identity and whenever someone or something challenges an area of our lives in which we place our identity, our level of insecurity gets put on display. Bill Johnson once said that "Insecurity is wrong security exposed" meaning that when our trust and identity is placed in the wrong thing, we will always be insecure. A lot of people like to think that insecurity is just something that bothers children and teenagers whereas adults are more secure and mature. I personally don't think that's true. I'd say in a lot of cases, our insecurities are most exposed during our teenage years as we go through puberty and all sorts of physical and emotional changes in a diverse environment but we then either adopt them as "personality traits" and allow them to define us, judging each other by them or we learn how to hide them convincingly. Sadly in the Church insecurity can pass for humility and can be encouraged and praised and therefore emulated. Trouble! Jesus wasn't insecure despite the fact that He actually KNEW what people were thinking about Him. But more on that later...

So let me ask you, do you think you're a secure person? Being secure is not the same as being good at or sufficient in everything that you place your identity in. Often people who claim to be secure on this basis get very upset when either their performance is mocked or their position is challenged. Stereotypical examples? Sheila, who claims to be secure in her appearance when she is apparently the most attractive girl around and receives a lot of male attention. This security is tested when a girl who is deemed more attractive than her comes in and the male attention shifts. Bruce has the biggest muscles in his social group. If people comment on him looking weedy or if another guy with bigger muscles shows up and Bruce doesn't start hitting the gym hard, we know he's probably secure! As I mentioned before, insecurity is an issue of identity. When something is secure, it is safe, fixed, immovable. If someone's words can reduce us to a self-conscious mess, we may have some insecurity to work out of our lives!

Fear of failing in the eyes of others is at the root of insecurity which actually exposes the fact that our understanding of personal success lies in the opinions of other people. If we can stop at this moment and look at the logic of that, we see that it's crazy! There will be as many different opinions of us out there as there are people! One of the ways we can wrongly convince ourselves that we're no longer insecure is by only hanging out with people that either like us or are like us. These people are far less likely to challenge our thoughts and ideals, call us names or disagree with us. We no longer feel as though we need our guard up because we believe we can be ourselves with these people. This level of openness makes us feel as though our insecurities have disappeared and we're now a well-rounded, confident individual ready to take on the world. We're likely to find out the truth when we're in the absence of our trusted group of friends. What happens when we meet new people? What happens when we enter a room alone? Are we struck with fear? Do we change our behaviour to fit the people around us? Do we become painfully aware of everyone's eyes? Are we hoping that our trousers don't roll up and reveal our "Wednesday" socks on a Thursday? Insecurity is also being unable to be yourself when those around you aren't like you. 

     The fear of not measuring up to people's expectations can pretty much be crippling. Insecurity becomes a lens through which you see the world, filtering out positivity giving you the impression that as you do and say things, you're walking on a tightrope. You automatically interpret people's opinions of you to be negative if they are not immediately positive**. If you went to a school where uniform was compulsory, you know what I'm talking about! "Own clothes day" was make or break! Up until this point you were equals with everyone and maybe even considered cool but an out of season jumper, a holey trainer or your WWJD t-shirt could ruin all that! You spent the night before carefully crafting your outfit for the next day (the scary part is that you probably spent the rest of the day judging everyone else by their clothes as well!) because you just had to get this right. Putting on whatever was clean never even crossed your mind. Maybe that wasn't you but situations like this in school tend to prepare us for life. We often have this expectation that people are going to judge us no matter what and that can be scary if we don't already know who we are. Very few teenagers know who they are and so the cruel labels that others want to dish out to them are terrifying because if you don't know who you are, you don't have a reason to object to someone who claims they do. "Geek", "Gayboy", "Ugly", "Bible basher", "Emo" etc etc. All weapons in the hands of other people who are probably just as scared and confused as you. Knowing who you are takes away the power of labels and looks. 

Potential cover-ups...
I've found that there are plenty of ways that insecurity can be covered up and disguised and pass for security. One that I've noticed that may be less obvious is perfectionism. In some cases, but not all, I believe perfectionism is a fear of imperfection fuelled by the belief that people will judge us on the quality of what we produce or what we do. That can be really intimidating and can even scare us into doing nothing aka apathy (apathy is really just a fear of failure). Perfectionism often gets praised because the rest of the world gets to see the positive fruit e.g. perfectly formed sculptures, perfectly written poems, perfectly cooked dishes. We can raise perfectionists up as heroes and I definitely believe some of them are but I also think that some of them are prisoners of the opinions of others forced to work down the mines of solitude, disappearing deeper and deeper into themselves and only emerging when they believe they have something that will be of worth to the world instead of understanding that they are of worth. We can defend our perfectionism by claiming that we "just want to do a good job" or that "if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well" but this is often just a way of turning our weaknesses into apparent strengths which is another clever defensive manoeuvre for Team Insecurity***.

     Another potential cover up is continually talking about how secure we are and outwardly judging others that we think are insecure. "Gosh, I wish those girls would have more respect for themselves." "He's just fishing for a compliment because he's insecure." "I really don't care what people think of me." "I don't need to wear make-up because I'm happy with myself the way I am." Sometimes I hear people say these things or I say them myself and I hear the faint echo of hollowness and it becomes apparent that the speaker is simultaneously trying to convince themselves and their audience of what they're saying. If I came up to you and told you I was a human being, I hope you wouldn't be too surprised but I expect you'd be a little confused. "That's obvious" you'd think "Why is he telling me that?" We don't go around telling people that we're human beings because it's obvious. We know it enough to not feel the need to convince others and we know others know it enough to not need us to tell them. If I'm constantly talking about how buff I am or how much I've been to the gym, it's likely I'm looking for some validation. I think it's the same with insecurity. The more I feel the need to tell you how secure I am, the less secure I probably am. Tricky.

Believing that the quality of our existence is validated by other people and what they think often leads us into ill-advise relationships (maybe romantic ones but not necessarily) with people who will a) tell us we're amazing ALL THE TIME and keep our insecurities at bay; b) give us the appearance of being a valid member of society by having a boyfriend/girlfriend or c) treat us terribly as we think we deserve because we've decided our insecurities are the same as our identity. All of these relationships are just about treating the symptoms, not finding a cure. It's about as affective as putting on a new shirt to heal your bullet wound. The problem is that the relationships are likely to end (badly, loudly and messily with lots of smoke) and when they do our insecurities are upset that we left them alone for so long and they come back with a vengeance! We then try to do more extreme things to quiet them again. Don't get me wrong, what people think of us is important and can be helpful but it's not the last word in our identity or our worth.
Sometimes, in order to in-courage ourselves or someone else, we first have to expose fear. As they say, courage isn't the absence of fear it's action in the presence of it. If we want to be bold enough to overcome insecurity in our lives we need to admit that it's there. That means no cover-ups, no denial, no treatment of symptoms. Then we're ready to deal with the problem.

What's the answer?
Well let's look at Jesus (if you're not a Christian carry on reading but I'm talking to Christians in this bit. If you want to get to know God and have a relationship with this Jesus, let's talk). He is our role model and we're supposed to be becoming more like Him so what were His tactics when insecurity came knocking at His door? We know that the devil went after Jesus' identity in the wilderness while He was fasting, "If you are the Son of God..." He would challenge Jesus to prove His sonship i.e. prove His identity was as solid as He thought. Instead of being provoked by the audacity of a created being challenging the Godhood of the Eternal Son and vaporising him by whipping out some unapproachable light, Jesus just quoted Scripture. Interestingly He didn't quote the Scriptures that spoke of Him and His identity as the Son and the Christ, but only those that directly responded to the devil's attempts to call Him out. He did this until the devil had nothing else to say and awkwardly walked off (I imagine there was laughter and cheering in Heaven). This is important for us to understand. Sometimes we get our identity challenged by people (or the devil) and we fly into a self-justifying frenzy! Sometimes it's external for all to see, sometimes it's internal and we pretend not to care but either way it's happening instead of us remembering what God says about us. Let's look at Jesus again in John 5. Don't worry, I'll get it for ya! Red print and everything! You're welcome.

31“If I testify about myself, my testimony is not true. 32There is another who testifies in my favor, and I know that his testimony about me is true.

33“You have sent to John and he has testified to the truth. 34Not that I accept human testimony; but I mention it that you may be saved. 35John was a lamp that burned and gave light, and you chose for a time to enjoy his light.

36“I have testimony weightier than that of John. For the works that the Father has given me to finish—the very works that I am doing—testify that the Father has sent me. 37And the Father who sent me has himself testified concerning me. You have never heard his voice nor seen his form, 38nor does his word dwell in you, for you do not believe the one he sent. 39You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me, 40yet you refuse to come to me to have life.

41“I do not accept glory from human beings, 42but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts. 43I have come in my Father’s name, and you do not accept me; but if someone else comes in his own name, you will accept him. 

Basically some guys tried to step in the ring with Jesus like satan did but check out how He responds. He says's it's not even about what He says about Himself but what the Father says about Him. He tells the guys straight that the Father is the only one He will be listening to when it comes to defining His identity. He says that He's not bothered about human glory because these dudes would be ready to embrace another person that was promoting themselves because they'd recognise their own kindred spirit of pride in them (my interpretation). So what can we learn? Jesus says that He knows that the testimony of the Father about Him is true. How? Whatever God says, is. If it wasn't before it becomes. "Let there be light" Erm sorry God, light doesn't exist here I don't think we can just do that... Haha nope! Light came into being because He spoke it. The creative voice of God is a beautiful thing but when it gets applied to your life, it's still true. If we want to find our identity we need to know what God says about us! A lot of people like to promote positive self-talk and a positive mental attitude (PMA, shout out to Kriss Akabusi and my 90s kid massive) and I'm not against that but I do think it doesn't cut it when it comes to identity. I can tell myself all day that I'm a world class ballet dancer but that won't make it true. We need to hear from God concerning ourselves and regularly too if we want to know who we are and be secure in it, not just because it helps us to remember but what He says about us actually MAKES us who we are. It's SO important for us as Christians to be constantly growing in our security and identity because it prevents most of the relational issues we have in the Church. If we're secure we don't need to judge others out of fear of them judging us. If we're secure we don't need to form exclusive cliques to keep our insecurities safe. If we're secure we don't need to keep each other at arm's length to avoid being challenged on our lifestyle. If we're secure we can have healthy, vibrant platonic and romantic relationships and fulfil John 13:35.

Final Thought
I was once speaking to some non-Christian girls I met on the streets of Oldham about God and one of them suddenly asked me with a slight impression of desperation, "Would God still love me if I did pornographic stuff?" I've got to say the question caught me off guard haha but the answer came out of my mouth quicker than I could think it: "God loved you before He made you so it's never been about what you do."
Try and wrap your heart around that.

End Notes
*Listening to wise counsel and allowing it to affect your decisions isn't the same as being insecure.
** If this sounds familiar, check out my blog on rejection: http://peoplebeingreal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/the-rejects.html
***Here's a link a blog on weaknesses: http://peoplebeingreal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/taking-hit.html

Thank you for reading. Let me know your thoughts and if there were any typos!

Freedom and Grace

17Now the Lord^e is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord,^f are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

2Corinthians 3:17-18 (ESV)

Have a listen to this song before we dive in! Feel free to dance...

     FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOM!!!! I've been excited to write this post for quite a while so I hope you enjoy it and that it helps provoke you to enjoy the fullness of your freedom in Christ! I've been hearing a lot of things about freedom  that I feel  misrepresent, abuse or cheapen it which have upset me and I'd like to address some of those things but most of all I hope to paint a picture of the true nature of the freedom that was won for us at the cross! Of course that sounds like I think I have all the answers and I don't so please read with discernment and go to the Word, Berean style (Acts 17:11) There is plenty of opportunity for offence in here so I pray that you hear His heart over my words. Enjoy : )

     I was thinking about the phrase "Freedom in Christ" the other day and just pondering what it really meant. I believe that freedom in Christ is a precious and invaluable gift we have been given and so I really want to use it to its fullest and steward it well! Apparently every cell in your body contains your DNA (back me up anatomy people) which is the written code of what makes up your physical body. If I were to take a cell from anywhere in your body and was able to read your DNA I'd be able to tell not only that that cell belongs to you but from it I'd also be able to tell you other things such as your eye colour and your blood type etc. I feel like I'm over-stepping the boundaries of my biological knowledge with this analogy now so I guess what I notice first about this freedom is that it is IN Christ and I think that is essential to really getting the nature of it. Our repentance and faith in Jesus that we received by grace separated us from our old life as God gave us new life placing us in Christ. Anything that is found in Christ is going to filled with His DNA, His genetic makeup, in essence His attitudes and values. That includes us and our freedom. I believe that our freedom in Christ is first a freedom from the law of sin and death (meaning that we are no longer bound to sin and separated from God but rather we have been freed from sin and returned to our relationship with God, reconciled) and secondly a freedom to become like Him. As He was free from sin, He has made us free from sin also by sacrificing Himself in our place. When we die to ourselves we live in His life and He lives His life in us and through us. Basically this just means that we walk, talk and act more like Jesus. 

     There's a tradition in a lot of secondary or high schools to pull some sort of prank when you are leaving and about to move on to the next stage of your education. I don't think I've ever heard a story where all of the final year students came in on their last day to hug their teachers, give them gifts and thank them for their hard work and sacrifice. Typically cunning acts of sabotage and theft occur with either humorous or costly results. Liberated from the school rules, the students' true feelings towards the school and the teachers are quickly exposed and displayed. The freedom that Christ gives us is a gift that keeps on giving because it exposes what's really going on in our hearts so that with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can deal with it. When we respond to our freedom in ways that don't reflect the beauty of the nature of Jesus it should set off some alarm bells and cause us to question what's going on in our hearts and what is our true value of Him. Paul addresses this a bit, replying to something someone had said to him about their freedom in Christ.

     “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything.

1Corinthians 6:12 (ESV)

I think it can be very tempting to act according to the flesh and then justify it by claiming freedom in Christ. Personally I think that is one of the most offensive things a Christian can do. I think it is an abuse and a mockery of the grace of God in Christ who died to free us from obeying the flesh. It's wilfully going against our new nature of righteousness, hurting the heart of God and then trying to use God's gift of freedom in Christ to excuse our behaviour. Before you envision me on a high horse, I have done it too. But it is NOT ok! If my "freedom in Christ" leads me to give authority to carnality and fleshly desires in my life, maybe I need to consider what it means to be dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Rom 6:11). If my "freedom in Christ" leads me to act more like the world, maybe I need a greater experience of who He is and what He is like (1John 2:6). If my "freedom in Christ" leads me to do less for the Lord and more for myself, maybe I need to check if I have any faith at all (James 2:26) If my "freedom in Christ" leads me back into slavery to sin, maybe I need to check the best-before date or make a complaint to whoever sold it to me. 
Our freedom in Christ is supposed to empower us, not take away our responsibility. 

     Our life in Christ is an altogether new life. It's not about giving new life to our old self but instead putting our old self to death and bringing forth a new self that is just like Jesus (2Cor 3:18). I don't really want to get into sanctification but I'll just say that life as a Christian is about uncovering what Christ is like and therefore who He has made us to be. This means that each day I look, think, speak and act less like my old self and more like Him. When we abuse freedom we preach a false Christ and a false gospel that essentially says "Come to Jesus as you are and stay as you are. His love is unconditional so just accept Him then you can do whatever you want and still go to heaven." I believe this is an incredibly damaging perversion of the message of grace because it robs the cross of its power and the kingdom of the King's purpose. Salvation is not just about escaping hell and punishment but it is being delivered from the power of sin  not just in action but right down to the level of thought and intent until my heart becomes like Eden where I can walk in intimacy with God in unbroken communion. The gospel promises a change of heart as well as eternal destination. Our King desires His people be transformed into a kingdom of priests (Rev 1:4-6) who reflect and project the holiness of God to the world (1Peter 1:15-16). 

     I had a friend when I was a teenager (who is still a much loved and valued friend today) who used to challenge me very directly on how my life was matching up with the life God had called me to in the Scriptures. I remember one occasion where she asked me what I thought of Ephesians 5:4 (go check it out) At the time I'd been hanging around with a group of Christians who frequently engaged in coarse jokes and rude films and would tell others to "lighten up" if their behaviour was challenged. Freedom for some of us has become a shield that we use to protect our sinful or immoral practices from the wisdom and counsel of others. It's not easy to have our lifestyle challenged by other people especially in a world where relativism and individual autonomy is glorified. This way of thinking and living can creep into the Church and cause us to recoil in offence when someone questions our actions or our way of life even if they are straight from Scripture and the heart of God. Grace is and always will be an outrageous truth about God and our relationship with Him. When describing it to the Romans, Paul had to emphasise that the power and availability of grace didn't mean we should continue to sin (Rom 6:1+15) Grace isn't a licence to live in sin, it's a licence to kill it! 

     Swearing, initiating or enjoying dirty humour, getting drunk and having sex outside marriage have probably been the most common things that I've heard Christians try to justify using freedom and grace but if I use my freedom in Christ to act like the world who benefits? I don't because I stop being conformed to His image. They don't because I show them a lifestyle that is just like theirs and either they jump on the bandwagon of half-hearted consecration that leads to death (Rev 3:16)or they reject my hippy Jesus altogether because clearly He has no power to transform and there's no real difference between life with Him and life without Him. Jesus definitely doesn't benefit because the people He wants to know Him end up with a warped view of who He is.  Paul makes it pretty clear when He says that living by the flesh leads to death but living by the Spirit leads to life. In Romans 8:13 Paul tells us that living by the Spirit actually means killing sin, so life in the Spirit is a life of uprooting sinful attitudes and behaviours by the power and grace of the Holy Spirit to make room for the seeds of the oaks righteousness (Isaiah 61:3)that is continually being unveiled in us. There is a higher call! If our freedom is leading us into being conformed to the ways of the world, we're in trouble! (Rom 12:2) We tend to be led into cycles of bondage or addiction where we don't utilise our self-control that exists within our freedom and it begins to wither. It's important to remember that a clean conscience and a seared conscience are not the same thing. A clean conscience has conversed and agreed with the Holy Spirit that all is well in our thoughts and motives. A seared conscience has become numb to the voice and promptings of the Lord through continued disobedience or through our desire to do something being greater than our desire to please the Lord. 

     Just because you "feel at peace about it" doesn't mean it's ok. The fact that God hasn't directly spoken to you about it doesn't mean it's ok. I'd soon find myself in jail if a police officer came round to my crack den to arrest me and I told him "It's ok, I feel like this ok for me to do. I feel at peace about it." If you're in a place where no one can bring challenge or correction into your life unless you agree with them, you're in trouble. As Kris Vallotton says, "the very nature of deception is that you don't know you're deceived." 


     Celebrating freedom in Christ is a beautiful thing! I had a friend text me once to tell me that he was struggling with lust and temptation to look at porn and he wanted me to pray with him. We then had a text convo backwards and forwards just laughing at the idea of him giving in to a defeated foe! We laughed at the thought of him succumbing to temptation when his default is righteousness. We laughed at the idea of him choosing lesser pleasure over Divine pleasure. The temptation went away and he just went to sleep haha. FREEDOM!! There was a time when he was "bound" to sin. It was inevitable. But now he has been "unbound" by the ultimate Freedom Fighter! And for the rest of us there was a time when we were hell-bound but now we've been set free and whom the sets free is free indeed!! (John 8:36) I am free to pray for the sick and see them healed!! I am free to show supernatural love to my enemies in the face of persecution!! I am free to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength!! I am free to experience a relationship of intimacy and obedience with the God who can see all of time, past present and future without even moving His eyes! ("God's Pursuit of Man" - A.W Tozer) I'm so free!! I'm free to love the poor to the point of personal loss because I know that God will provide what I need. Go and find your favourite songs about freedom in Christ and have a rave! Or maybe just sit and think about what He has saved you from and thank Him. 



Jesus you stood alone and took on sin to become our great Saviour! Thank you Lord! Without you were are dead and we are nothing. Thank you for sharing your life with us and making us sons and daughters of God. Thank you for filling us with Your Spirit and daily making us more like you. Help us to desire to see more of our lives given over to You and Your kingdom. Help us not settle for second best or mediocre. Show us how beautiful you are so that the things of the world pale in comparison and we don't want to hold on to them. We want to be salt and light in the world, fully representing you, Your freedom and Your grace.
Amen

Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings : ) 

Understanding Forgiveness: Part 4 - The Unoffended Heart

Check out part 3...
http://peoplebeingreal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/understanding-forgiveness-part-3.html  

God has been teaching me about the principle of an unoffended heart. This is a heart that regardless of past disappointments and hurts still remains open and bursting with love. The owner of an unoffended heart is not a weak-willed, attention-starved desperate individual but rather a person who is stronger than most of us in being able to see past offences and loving the people behind them. I am convinced that an offended heart is prone to cultivating unforgiveness as well as isolation and loneliness. People who often feel inexplicably lonely in the presence of many friends are likely to have an area of unforgiveness that they are yet to deal with. I believe an unoffended heart is nothing short of supernatural and requires the intervention of God to produce. An unoffended heart will keep the door open even after someone has brought in their muddy shoes. The spirit of the age says those who bare the burden of unforgiveness can never trust again but the Spirit of Christ says "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28) He who prayed for the forgiveness of those who stripped him, beat him, humiliated him and nailed him to a cross is the only One capable of giving us a heart that returns evil with good and hatred with love (Romans 12:21).

Father I pray that you would teach us to love selflessly and outrageously and forgive immediately out of the overflow of an unoffended heart that has known Your unconditional love.

Understanding Forgiveness: Part 3 - Unforgiveness

Part 2...
http://tony-campbell.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/understanding-forgiveness-part-2-paying.html

Unforgiveness is seen as completely justifiable in today's society. We can all probably identify something that is fine not to forgive someone for or at least to delay forgiveness for. Think of a big furry dog covered in mud (weird I know) walking around inside a nice white house. Everytime it enters a room it's only a matter of time before it  does the standard crazy-dog-shake and dirt goes absolutely everywhere! I understand unforgiveness as being like this. As Christians each one of us is a temple of the Holy Spirit and God lives in us (1Corinthians 3:16) making us more like Jesus by renewing our minds (Romans 12:2). Unforgiveness is like inviting that paint-covered dog into the house. It will start in the front room and shake around until the room looks different, dirtier. It will eventually move into the next room and do the same, changing the appearance of the room. If unforgiveness goes unchecked in our lives it begins to twist and change our perceptions. We develop trust issues, become paranoid. As a result we isolate ourselves and build defense mechanisms to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable or hurt again. I believe that one of the main tactics of the devil in taking people down is isolation. In the beginning God said it is not good for Man to be alone (Gen 2:18) and the enemy knows that our faith can fail us in the absence of community and encouragement. If you want to know the areas of your life where the devil may be attacking you, have a look at where you're being separated from people who are positive influences on you. Anyway, unforgiveness is an intruder in the house of God and when detected it should be cast out immediately! Unforgiveness ruins lives. What if we all cast unforgiveness out of our hearts? Why don't we?

Check out part 4...
http://tony-campbell.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/understanding-forgiveness-part-4.html

Understanding Forgiveness: Part 2 - Paying the Cost

Part 1...
http://peoplebeingreal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/understanding-forgiveness-part-1-free.html

I reckon one of the reasons we don't see forgiveness that way is because we miss one of the main components of forGIVEness. It involves giving! Most of our attitudes towards forgiveness are passive and so we wait to receive an apology so that we can take the offense we've stored in our heart and "let it go". I believe forgiveness is not the passive letting go of an offended heart but the rejection of the pain of the offense in exchange for love which is then poured out on the offender whether they are sorry or not. Forgiveness is a gift and the best gifts are undeserved. We also often see forgiveness as a bargaining chip "If you do this, I'll forgive you". In this case, forgiveness is no longer a gift but actually becomes payment and the person receiving it becomes fully deserving of it. The virtue of the giver is lost. Forgiveness is supposed to cost us something. That's what giving is. Sacrifice. As Christians we understand that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8) and therein lies the beauty of our salvation and the divine model for forgiveness! What if we sought to model this forgiveness to the world? Why don't we?

Check out part 3...
http://peoplebeingreal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/understanding-forgiveness-part-3.html

Understanding Forgiveness: Part 1 - The Free Gift

I've been at Bible College for a year and one of the biggest lessons God has been teaching me (which isn't a subject in school) is about forgiveness particularly as it applies to Christians but also more widely. I think one of the first things He opened my eyes to is the fact any Christian who withholds forgiveness doesn't understand it. By virtue of being a Christian we give up our right to withhold forgiveness from anyone who wrongs us as our lives were saved by One who laid down everything so that forgiveness could become available to us. As living perfection Jesus had every right to both judge and condemn us but instead He chose to lay His life down so that we could have the Father's forgiveness. Think about a time when you've come to knock on a door and someone opens it before you manage to. I think that forgiveness should be like that. Forgiveness is not a response to an apology but a change of heart in the name of love that occurs following an offense. The death of Jesus has made the forgiveness of God the Father available to the those who turn from their own ways to His and so as soon as someone repents (raises their hands to knock on the door) the forgiveness of God bursts out over them in a flood of love and grace washing away the offense (the door swings open and a warm embrace waits on the other side). What would happen if we saw forgiveness that way? Why don't we?

Check out part 2...http://peoplebeingreal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/understanding-forgiveness-part-2-paying.html

Dealing with Rejection

I think rejection effects most of us on lots of different levels to different degrees. Rejection and its effects can last a lifetime, creating a new lifestyle for us and so its presence will definitely affect our relationships with each other. I guess we should start with the question: "What is rejection?" We experience a negative feeling  in a moment where we believe that something of our personhood e.g. our presence, our ideas or our affection are undesired by another or a group. When we're young this often shapes the way we view the world and causes us to want to protect ourselves from experiencing that feeling again. So the way I'm describing it, rejection is a spirit (or a mindset) of "unwantedness" that colours our perceptions of life and relationships with others. 

When this happens early on in life it has the potential to define our personality and our self-perception. People who succumb to rejection can develop a low level of self esteem and personal value because that is the message they have received from other people. Believing this to be true about themselves, they adopt a lifestyle to match that self-image which can take many forms, some which are hard to see and others which are blindingly obvious. Maybe we no longer try to make friends because we don't believe anyone would want to be our friend. Maybe we stop putting our hand up in class because we were laughed at by the class or by the teacher. Maybe we start stalking the one person who showed us kindness, spending hours on their facebook page, texting and calling them at all hours to try and feel close to someone again.

 Rejection can enter our lives in a very small way to start with but when we continue to agree with its lies to us (yup LIES) that we are of no value, we allow its power to grow and spread to other areas of our lives. It creates a new lens of logic and deduction for us to check out the world with. Here's an example. Let's say I'm in secondary school (high school if you're american) and I confidently raise my hand to answer the teacher's question, certain that I've got it right. The whole class including the teacher erupts into laughter when I give my hilariously inaccurate answer. Rejection whispers to me "don't put your hand up any more, you have nothing to offer to these people." I agree. How about this. Someone in the class has a party at the weekend and everyone receives an invite apart from me. In reality my invitation has been left somewhere for me but Rejection says "You're not invited because you're not wanted." I think to myself, well Rejection has been right so far so I don't ask if I am invited or not. Throughout my life I can then follow this pattern of behaviour. I never put any of my new ideas forward in the workplace, I never ask a group if I can hang out with them. To people on the outside it may seem as though I'm just "shy" or "quiet" when  actually I'm a prisoner of Rejection, trapped in a self-built cage of loneliness. (Just to be clear I'm not saying that everyone who is shy or quiet struggles with rejection)

Rejection either makes us distance ourselves from people or it causes us to latch on to anyone who gets close to us, neither of which are healthy behaviour. Distancing ourselves may not just be physical distance e.g. sitting alone hiding behind a book but it can also include keeping our distance emotionally or in our personality with people which means that we're never honestly ourselves with people. Rejection is therefore the enemy of true Freedom and is rooted in Fear which is the enemy of Love. These two working together keep us from receiving the love we need from God and from others because most of us only accept the love we believe we deserve. Rejection also partners with Insecurity ensuring that we're only ever fully ourselves around people who are like us. This is how a lot of exclusive groups and cliques form (not just the "cool kids" but the "uncool" ones too). When Rejection has a voice in our lives we feel uncomfortable around people who aren't like us and perhaps we tone down certain aspects of our personality in those situations or act like we just don't care at all. Rejection is the enemy of integrity which is our ability to live on the outside who we are on the inside. Rejection eats at our integrity and gives birth to compromise in our lives by making us put on a false self. We find any external evaluation of ourselves uncomfortable or even scary so we pretend that we don't care what others think of us or we try really hard to impress people so they don't reject us. A classic example is the child hanging out with the friends of an older sibling. They will try hard to be liked and to be cool, pretending to not be scared of watching horror films or climbing into the garden with the huge dog.

The loneliness that accompanies Rejection can make us VERY sensitive to affection and so the second we meet someone who is nice to us or who listens to us or who tells us something positive about ourselves, we immediately try to form a concrete bond with them in the hope that they will never leave us and continue to feed us the love we've so desperately craved for so long! I think I see this most clearly in unhealthy teenage relationships. Rejection assaults teenagers aggressively and so there are plenty of young people (who grow into older people) who feel marooned on islands of solitude because no one "understands them". Perhaps they pretend to be happy about it, or nonchalant about it. Perhaps they've never really known anything else. Then one day a boy or girl comes along who apparently does understand them. "Oh my gosh Becky, he just gets me, you know?" "I can't explain it bro, it's just like she really sees me, you know?" Very quickly they become obsessed with this person and start their mission to lock this person into their life forever. Sometimes this person is equally lonely or has a saviour complex and this quickly develops into a very unhealthy relationship.

As we get older these sorts of relationships may not even be romantic in nature but Rejection is still the driving force. Sometimes the person being pursued is shocked by the sudden new attachment to their lives. They begin to feel uncomfortable with the level of closeness and the consistency of communication this person is trying to have with them and it begins to make them not want to be around this person. They feel drained after spending time with them and the thought of spending more time with them becomes depressing. Remember the one who is under the influence of Rejection still has little value for themselves and so they come to the relationship to take and receive, thinking that they don't really have anything to give. If the person they are pursuing withdraws from them Rejection picks up the slack quickly confirming "See, nobody values you because there is nothing to value." Rejection often justifies itself in people saying "Of course people won't like me, I'm too...or I'm not...enough." Constant self criticism, evaluation and analysis becomes normal or maybe we even ignore ourselves altogether. This can make us look really humble or even spiritual but it is actually just low self esteem on steroids.

Hopefully at this point you've been able to identify the effects of Rejection in your own life or in the lives of people you know. If not, go back and read through again and be honest with yourself. If you think you're good and Rejection has no voice whatsoever in your life then look for the benefit of others in your life. Don't force it and blow things out of proportion but instead be honest with yourself and if that is difficult ask the Lord or ask a close friend what they think (if that thought scares you, you might be on to something). I think it's very important that the presence of Rejection is recognised in our lives. Why? It will help us to recognise when we are developing unhealthy relationships with people either because they are love-starved or because we are. It will help us to recognise when fear has become a motivator in our lives to keep us away from people that can help us. But most importantly We have to deal with Rejection otherwise we can never truly love. Love involves risk and Rejection avoids it like the plague. Love empowers us to run headlong into the possibility of rejection without fear. Let's take a look at Jesus in Luke 19. He's coming into Jerusalem, overflowing with love but knowing that they are going to reject Him.

41As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it 42and said, “If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes. 43The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. 44They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you did not recognize the time of God’s coming to you.”

The crazy thing to me is that He didn't stop! He knows that they are going to reject Him. He knows that they are going to mock Him. He knows that they are even going to kill Him but He pushes on, propelled by the love in His heart for people. He knows that the message He carries and the blood in His veins are of infinite, unparalleled value. True Love risks rejection and overcomes it. The only way we can overcome Rejection is by hearing the voice of the One who always accepts us and listening to what He says about us. When we allow God to speak His love and value over us and let it permeate our hearts, minds and emotions, it reveals the truth of who we are and strengthens us to live from a place of security (I'd like to write about insecurity soon) instead of trying to get to one through all sorts of avenues.

The presence of Rejection in our lives is not ok. It gives us a cracked lens to see the world through and warps our perception of our relationships with other people. It is a controlling influence in our lives that desires to keep us out of healthy connections with people that are mutually beneficial and uplifting. It can rob us of our identity and cause us to live life as a performance as someone else. It starves us of love, making us emotionally callous or uncomfortably desperate to touch others which can drive them away. Rejection wants to trap us in such cycles. Freedom from Rejection is a must! When we live free from rejection we are able to let others judge us, hearing and considering their thoughts without letting their judgements harm us.

Father thank you for Your love. Thank you Lord that You know us best and You love us most. Help us to value ourselves and each other by the standard of Your love. We break agreement with Rejection and its lies about us and we receive Your truth that we are loveable and valuable. Help us to draw out the good that You've breathed into us and to display it to others for Your glory. We receive Your love in the name of Jesus.
Amen.

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Thanks for reading

My friend Caleb Meakins is subjecting himself to 40 Days of Rejection to help him overcome his fear of rejection and inspire others to do the same. Check his hilarious videos and blog here: http://my40days.co.uk/